The Revenant
2019
When this year began I created a playlist called The Revenant. This word seemingly dropped from the sky. The songs on the list are not significant either. The only song I listened to on the playlist was “Jet Fuel” by Mac Miller. The word Revenant is defined as, “A person who has returned, especially supposedly from the dead.”
It’s funny now because at that moment in time I didn’t feel any sort of a comeback. In fact, it felt as if I was falling into a hole. Nothing new you, all of it felt familiar. The weight of my emotions was often too heavy to bear at the beginning of this year. This was a concept that had been reoccurring for the past four years. I was always too tired, too sad or too _____ (insert something else society labels dramatic that it is truly valid) to do anything. I’d just graduated from college and began a job that stopped the sun from hitting my face. Literally, I worked in the basement from night till morning and would either go home to sleep and do it again… Or stayed up all day running myself ragged chasing a “normal” life.
In the last three months of the year, my life completely flipped. A total 180 happened. I changed, almost overnight. It wasn’t until a few minutes ago did I realize that I’d been making these small changes all year long. I thought back to everything that happened in these last 10 years that would keep me up at night. This year, I closed all of those accounts. At one point in this decade, I’d lost friendships that were near to me. But somehow, all of those people have found themselves back into my life this year. I don’t think it is by chance that over the course of this year I’ve had some kind of closure with all of the past relationships, situationships and flings that I’ve had in the past 10 years.
I’d been carrying the weight of an emotionally abusive relationship with me for FOUR whole years. What started out as innocent turned into one of my darkest moments. Being on the other side of what I thought was “love,” is something I’ve been fighting towards and running from. Almost in a circular motion for over three years now. To be able to look in the mirror and see who I was, the girl I’ve been chasing for the past three years standing before me is so sweet. To be able to sit here and embrace the woman I am becoming is more than I’d imagined.
There is nothing to take into 2020, but MY DAMN SELF. New, blessed and bout that action. There is a fire in my eyes now that is fueled by all of the lessons from these past years. When I think about those 10 years in review, I think about the moments I’ve experienced more than once. The things that happened to me, but I had not yet learned from.
Lessons Like:
What it means to put yourself first
Setting Boundaries
Giving Space and Stepping Back to Evaluate
Holding Yourself Accountable
Listening to My Gut, the First Time
Really Placing Yourself in Other’s shoes No Matter the Situation
Knowing that all that is in Your Orbit is there Because of You
Not Entertaining ain’t Shit Men
Is it really a lesson if you didn’t learn anything or if you can’t teach others from it? I enter this year knowing I died to my old ways, my excuses and to myself. So yeah, I guess it was a revenant.